Hi There lovelies!
I thought I would do something a bit different today as I felt it was important to talk about it given how I’ve been feeling lately. I feel like I am forgetting how I used to feel when I was 22 stone and want to touch base a bit both with myself but also with you guys too.
Those who know me well will know that I have never been a confident person, despite posting pictures of myself at various weight loss stages. At school I was always the good friend, always the one who my friends would come to for advice and would always be the first to take the mick out of myself for my weight before anyone else could.
I was also battling with my identity as I am mixed race and being from a small town that was at the time, primarily white, it felt hard to be me. I was chubby and had the problem that all asian women have; facial hair! So I was a walking target for abuse and bullying really. Kids can be cruel.
Anyway I want to share with you some of my own fat shaming experiences that I have dealt with several times and had pushed to the back of my mind, until now.
- I remember once when I got on the bus and went to sit on a bus seat right at the front. As soon as my bum touched the seat, it made an almighty crack sound that echoed down the bus. My face was burning with shame the entire journey home.
- Being sat on a bus as it fills up and seeing people taking one look at me and fighting for other seats so they didn’t have to sit next to me. This would happen regularly. Or the other side, when I’m getting on a bus and try to sit as far off the end of the seat for fear of touching the person next to me in case they think I’m over-spilling on to them. I always got the feeling they thought I was disgusting just because I was fat.
- Once I was walking home from school (I was about 14 years old) when a car full of teenage lads came up the road, slowed down and a projectile yoghurt pot was thrown at me, along with slurs of ‘fat cow’ and ‘lose some weight fatty’. This was horrible because I was on my own and walked into my house crying and hating myself for it thinking it was my fault for attracting the attention.
- Countless times I have been out to eat with friends and looked at what they ordered then what I wanted to order and thought to myself, ‘what is wrong with me?Why do I eat so much food?’ I would then proceed to order something I didn’t want just to fit in.
- This used to happen all the time. Walking anywhere on my own and hearing the sniggers, finger-pointing and whispering while I was just going about my business. This hurt the most because I was made to feel like a freak show just because I was fat.
- Being watched by shop assistants as I browse through clothes. In my local New Look in particular, I felt like this. I could feel their eyes burning into my back as I would browse. They were clearly making sure I would find my way to the Inspire section, which by the way is tucked away in the shop so you feel like you’re looking at porn or committing some illegal act!
Just because I’m not pushing 22 stone anymore, doesn’t mean those insecurities aren’t still there; they’re deeply ingrained in my soul. I’m older and wiser now and my weight loss has definitely given me a helping hand in the confidence department. But I am still fat and that’s ok.
Women constantly compare themselves to others and wonder why we can’t look like that. We reach for those unattainable goals of perfection. Being fat shamed has taught me that people will always pick fault with you, even if they don’t know a thing about you. It’s our job to educate them and rise above the discrimination.
It is not a crime to be fat. We should all be proud of our body and every little bump it has. You only get one body so treat it right. Don’t let opinion influence how you live your life. I allowed it to dictate mine for a while in my teens but became so withdrawn at uni, it made for a horrible lonely experience at times.
We all have insecurities regardless of our size, so the next time you feel like you’re being treated badly because of the way you look, just think of this:
Love you Guys